In love, he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will......
Ephesians 1:5

Sunday, October 16, 2011

God is in this, even if we don't know how yet

This post is way overdue, but I just haven't been ready to write it.  And although I am still not really ready, I am able to do it.  We took our trip to China and it did NOT go as planned.  We have prayed and lots of others have prayed, and so I know this was all part of God's plan, but the events that happened in China were something we NEVER envisioned and never even imagined would happen.  In fact it never even entered my mind that it could be a possibility.  We went to get a baby, and found out that a lot of what we were told was lies, and things were not at all what they seemed.  We felt God telling us that this was very wrong and that we had been led down a path that we were not prepared to go down, under such false direction.  We spent some SERIOUS time in prayer, and God gave us obvious signs leading us in the direction we had to go in.  Nothing about it was easy, and even though time is helping, coming home without the baby we had been praying for and about was devastating.  I feel like I have lost a child on many levels, and mourn that loss very seriously.  But I HAVE to remain confident that this was somehow part of God's plan for our family.  We can't possibly understand why things happen on this earth, but we have to trust that God knows what is best and we don't.  I never once felt He wasn't leading us and wasn't with us, and His peace that passes understanding was and is with us through this.  Matthew and I are thankful that we have each other to be with through this time, and know that together with God, we will be able get through it and He will be there on the other side.  I am thankful for good family and good friends that have been helpful, prayerful, supportive, and understanding.  Some days are harder than others, and today is one of those days that I question everything.  So please continue to be praying for us.  We may seem fine, and in many ways we are, and will be, but such a painful experience doesn't go away over night.  We are blessed!  God is in this, and His will be done!